Elijah James Burton July 13-25, 2003
At the beginning of the week, we celebrated Annalise’s ninth birthday. And now, at the end of it, I pause for a moment, to remember…
Ten years ago today, I gave birth to our second child, Elijah James. He was not breathing, and it took the neonatal teams what seemed an interminable time before he was revived…
It was four hours later, when I finally met him in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit that I thought we would never be using. We shared a moment of deep connection, he and I. He found my eyes, and his gaze was calm and wiser than any I had ever seen. Despite the tubes and the monitors, we were, in that moment, nothing other than a mother and her newborn.
The next day, he was tired, and having small seizures. The decision was made to induce a coma.
He never woke. At six days old, he had a massive grand mal seizure. At 11 days, the neonatal neurological specialist examined him. He had no reflexes.
At 12 days old, Elijah died in Jim’s arms, right beside me.
What to say, ten years later? Life has gone on, and we have a daughter who is so alive, so vibrant…
We have Jeremiah, who is calm and easygoing and deep in surprising ways.
And we have this perfect little boy whose brain was irrevocably broken, and who lives on in my soul.
It’s a paradoxical situation, and I might never fully come to terms with that, at times like this, when the juxtaposition of life and history is particularly uneasy.
It’s a potent and profound place to be…the full scope of life contained in a single week…
And today, I will be with my children, and many friends, but not with my husband, who stayed home to work and tend our critter family. And there is a poignancy in that, and that I have found my way to those who can accept my sorrow and my joy, together, at times like this.
For all who live within the shadow of grief, and who seek the joy even in these moments…you are not alone. We may never speak of it, but the kinship will be there.
For all of you who are parents, please hug your children, and take a few moments to just be with them today, in Elijah’s honor, and theirs. Life is truly a precious thing.
May we all find joy, and peace, in our living.
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